Remember Me for Centuries
by mooksie01
Summary: Phil is happy with his life. He loves his job, has good friends, and lives in a nice flat. He's just a little lonely, is all. But he's happy... right? TW: Mentions of Suicide


**A/N: So even before writing this I'm not sure how this is going to turn out, but hey, let's do this and see if it won't turn out to be complete crap. This is just another Phanfiction, because I'm trash, and if you're reading this then you're probably trash too, so welcome to the garbage bin and enjoy your stay. I love you all and hope you enjoy 3 (I fucked up that heart about twenty times before I finally got it right. I'm too tired to write.) I ended up basing the title off of Centuries by Fall Out Boy because I'm an uncreative scrub, and also because it really fit. So yeah. Fall Out Boy is amazing.**

 **Remember Me for Centuries**

A Phanfic

Phil's morning always began with the abrasive chiming of his alarm clock. A loud, obnoxious _beep, beep, beep_ that he hated more than just about anything. He groaned as he reached over and slammed his hand down upon the _off_ button of the little black machine. He reluctantly dragged himself out of bed, tiredly drifting into the kitchen afterwards. He paid no mind to the guest room he passed on his way, instead choosing to focus on his mission of making coffee.

Phil blinked rapidly as the harsh light that filled the kitchen greeted his eyes. He hissed at the painful intrusion and hurried to close the blinds. He plugged in the coffeemaker and started a pot of instant coffee, checking the time on the microwave clock as he did so. Half-past nine. He would need to be at work in about two hours, which meant he had to call a taxi in about an hour and a half. He winced ever so slightly as the coffee maker beeped, announcing his coffee was ready. He quickly poured himself a cup of coffee, and took it out to his lounge where he settled down with it and waited for it to cool.

Phil sighed as he drank his coffee and watched some kind of boring daytime reality TV show. He really needed to get a flatmate. It was way too quiet in his flat. Besides, it was lonely without anybody else there. Quickly finishing his coffee, he hurried to get in the shower and get dressed for work.

An hour and a half later saw Phil walking into the BBC. He was a technician for the most part, though he also had his own show every Sunday at 9pm. He also had a steady stream of income from his rather successful YouTube channel, AmazingPhil. He had a good life, if not a lonely one, and he knew he was rather fortunate. He loved his job, he had a few really good friends, and he lived in a nice, large flat. He had pretty much everything he could want.

Phil shook these thoughts from his head, hurrying to get to the studio and actually do his job. He had it pretty good in life. So he was a little lonely. Oh well. It's not like he was making an active effort to acquire a flatmate anyways. He grinned as he helped Nick prepare to go on-air. Yeah, things were okay.

* * *

Phil sighed in relief as he closed the door to his flat that night. The entire place was dark, but that could be remedied quickly with a few candles. It was way too late for actual lights. He just had to remember to put them out this time.

Phil quickly ate dinner, blowing out the few candles he had lit before trailing into his bedroom. He was exhausted. He may love his job, but it often left him feeling like he had spent the entire day trying to wrangle a pack of lions. At least it was a Thursday. He had Fridays and Saturdays off every week, thank goodness.

Phil undressed and threw on a pair of pajama pants before climbing in bed. He practically moaned as his head hit the cool pillow and he was engulfed in the warmth of his blue, green, and purple duvet. He fell asleep almost instantly.

* * *

Phil was startled awake by a bright light filling his room. He groaned, thinking for a moment that he had forgotten to close his curtains last night, before being struck by the realization that he had never _opened_ his curtains in the first place. He bolted upright, alarmed, and suddenly he caught sight of a bright, transparent figure floating in the middle of his bedroom. The… spirit was practically glaring down at him, but when it spoke its voice was soft.

"Get up." The ghost demanded, its voice remaining soft, but also possessing a hard quality that made Phil hurry to obey its command.

Phil scrambled to get out of bed, trying his hardest not to focus on the fact that this creature was _definitely_ glaring at him now. It didn't seem at all pleased, and Phil felt a brief flash of terror strike through him before smothering it as the ghost spoke again.

"You are Philip Lester, correct?" The spirit questioned. It possessed a thick southern accent, making the ghost sound rather posh, and each word was carefully enunciated.

"Y-Yes… Am I dreaming…?" Phil managed to stutter. The spirit's form glowed a bright white that was nearly painful to look upon, and its features were hazy and hard to distinguish. The voice was somewhat familiar, but with as many people as Phil spoke to everyday, many of them possessing rather posh accents now that he lived in London, that was no wonder. It definitely had a male shape, but that was as much as Phil could gather in terms of the spirit's appearance.

The apparition's gaze slowly traced up and down Phil's form, making the man squirm uncomfortably as it replied, "No. You are not dreaming, Philip. My superiors have requested that I take you on a… journey of sorts on this evening. As a matter of fact, you are highly advised to _not_ convince yourself that you are merely dreaming. This lesson is intended to stick with you; however you choose to interpret it."

"You're not making very much sense," Phil stated, calming himself down as he tried to pick out what exactly the ghost meant to do to him, but it didn't seem to help his nerves, as each theory was worse than the last.

"Stop worrying. I don't intend to inflict any kind of physical damage to you on this night, or any other, for that matter," The spirit stated, seemingly reading Phil's mind as he puzzled over what the outcome of this evening would be.

Phil relaxed minutely before asking, "Well… what exactly do you _… intend…_ to do tonight, then?"

"You and I are going on a trip, Philip Lester, one you will not soon forget. You made a great mistake six years ago, and the elders have decided that it's time that you learn the consequences of your actions," The ghost calmly answered.

"What mistake did I make? I can't think of anything that I did six years ago that would've been considered wrong by anybody… especially not some kind of group of powerful spirits…" Phil asked confusedly.

"I should have known that you would not remember… those I visit rarely do. I had thought that perhaps- but no. Sadly, humans tend to forget the follies of their pasts until they are merely memories that occasionally manifest themselves in the forms of hazy dreams and shapeless regrets… no, of course you wouldn't remember. The dead, unfortunately, remember everything. Humans rarely do. If you did, I may not have had the duty of visiting you tonight." The ghost rambled, sounding sorrowful and somewhat regretful, and Phil wondered why he was so upset about him forgetting this mistake he had supposedly made.

"You're not making any sense again… what did I forget? What great mistake did I make? Are you sure you have the right person? I really don't recall anything particularly wrong that I've done…" Phil asked, slowly trailing off towards the end as he gazed expectantly at the specter before him.

The light surrounding the spirit seemed to dim, as though the ghost's disappointment was being conveyed through the gloom.

"Perhaps this will help you remember, Philip Lester," The spirit said, holding up a hand where a misty image of a person quickly appeared. The person was slightly more tan than Phil himself, with sparkling brown eyes, and brown hair arranged into a fringe on the left side of his face. Phil was struck by just how familiar this person was, yet he couldn't seem to place a name to the face… Then it hit him.

"Is that… Is that Dan?" Phil stuttered, staring shell-shocked at the image of the brunet that the ghost had presented him with.

"Yes. This is Daniel Howell. Perhaps now you remember what exactly it was that you might have done?" The ghost said, sounding solemn for a reason that Phil couldn't place. He couldn't think of any reason as to why the ghost would sound so sad as it stared at the image of the young man.

"I still don't-" Phil began, but quickly cut himself off as he realized what the ghost might've been talking about. He remembered what had happened now. What _he_ had made happen…

* * *

It was October of 2009, and Phil had just seen Dan off at the train station.

The visit had gone phenomenally, in Phil's opinion. They hadn't been apart for even a single second after Dan had gotten off the train in Manchester. Phil had taken him to the Manchester Eye, and everything had been perfect. They had even filmed a video that Phil was planning to edit later on.

There was just one thing…

Everything felt a little… _off_ as Phil got into the taxi that would take him back home. Every feeling was just a bit too intense when Dan had been there. Phil hadn't noticed it before, but now that the shorter brunet was gone, Phil felt how everything suddenly seemed to calm down.

And it was a little bit terrifying.

Phil only felt more uncomfortable as he continued to reflect on the way home. It felt like the entire universe had shifted and he hadn't shifted with it… like everything was a little bit crooked and he was the only one who could see it. He tried to focus on the euphoria that he had felt while Dan had still been here, and found that it only seemed to make the odd feeling intensify.

He hadn't felt like this with any other friend.

When Phil got home he rushed to his room and paced back and forth across the floor. He couldn't figure out what the feeling was, and he was just becoming more and more unsettled. Everything suddenly felt slightly wrong, and Phil _hated_ it.

He was starting to panic.

Just as Phil started to relax the slightest bit, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He drew it out, startled to find that he had been thinking about this for _hours_. That wasn't normal, not for him. _What was going on?!_ Trying to put the thought aside, Phil looked down at the Caller ID.

 **Dan :D**

Panicking, Phil quickly hit the **End** button.

Wait… What was he _doing_?! He just hung up on Dan! Granted, he didn't even answer to begin with, but still! What was wrong with him?! Yet even as the thoughts ran through his head, Phil felt the intense feeling inside of him ease up a little. Almost against his will, Phil quickly removed Dan's contact from his phone.

The feeling eased a little more, and Phil felt like he could breathe again.

So that was the issue…? Maybe his subconscious was trying to warn him? Phil's eyes widened as the thought struck him. He had never been paranoid… Maybe that feeling was foreboding. Maybe something awful was going to happen.

Maybe it already had.

Phil quickly grabbed his laptop, pulling up Skype just in time to get a message. He read it, and began to panic even more as the feeling intensified.

 **Dan:**

 **Hey, thanks for having me over. That was the most fun I've ever had (Don't knock me over this time, you Spork!) I hope we can see each other again soon, Phil 3**

Phil chose to go on autopilot, and before he knew it he had deleted Dan from his Skype, unfriended him on Facebook, unfollowed him on Twitter, and unsubscribed from his YouTube channel. He even deleted the footage that he and Dan had recorded a few days ago. He had effectively cut himself off from Dan in every way possible, yet even as that unknown feeling finally eased up, Phil felt like he was going to throw up.

He felt like he had made a mistake.

* * *

Phil suddenly found it hard to breathe as the memory hit him full-force. He had completely forgotten about that. He had completely forgotten about _Dan_. Phil suddenly felt inexplicably guilty. _Why_ , though? Why should he feel bad? He hadn't done anything _wrong_ … right?

"You have remembered," The spirit observed as it gazed at Phil's slightly nauseas face.

"Y-Yes… but…. but how was that a _mistake?_ I… I did what I had to, didn't I?" Phil said, his tone suddenly defensive.

"No. You didn't _need_ to do that at all… In fact, you _should not_ have done that, if anything. You took away so many things from both yourself and him…" The ghost stated, sounding somewhere between angry and sad.

"What could _I_ possibly have lost? I only made myself feel better!" Phil asked indignantly.

"You have changed," The spirit muttered, sounding as if it hadn't meant for Phil to hear that, before continuing on, "You lost many things that day. Take my hand, and _observe._ "

Phil looked skeptically at the ghost, "Are we doing some kind of _A Christmas Carol_ thing?" He asked.

"Not quite," It answered, "But by the end of it you'll wish we were. Now take my hand."

Phil sighed, absently wondering if the spirit's hand was even solid as he reached out.

"Hurry now," The specter prompted at Phil's hesitation, "We only have all night, after all."

Phil took the spirit's hand.

* * *

As Phil's vision cleared, he found he was just back in his lounge. It was morning now, but that seemed to be the only difference.

"We're just in my lounge," Phil stated, confused.

"Are we?" The ghost asked, a slight tinge of disbelief echoed in its tone, prompting Phil to take another look around.

Same coffee table, same fireplace, same couch (Though there was a deep crease in one of the cushions), same- Wait a minute. That wasn't his mirror. This one was bright red and all blocky. As he noticed this, he also noticed about twelve thousand other differences in the room. It was… brighter, for one. There was a little fire plush sitting in the fire place, a ton of little drawings and figurines and such all depicting himself and… was that Dan?

Phil's shocked reflection was interrupted by both the spirit nudging him, and tired voices coming down the hall towards them. Phil looked up just in time to see… himself? He gasped as he took in the two figures who were chatting, their words slurring ever so slightly as they slowly made their way through the lounge and to the kitchen.

The spirit grabbed Phil's arm and dragged him along as it followed the two to the kitchen. Phil followed along, but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn't quite register the fact that he was watching himself right now. Granted, this Phil was a bit different; his hair seemed to be slightly shaved at the sides, for example. Still, though. Phil was briefly confused as to whom the person following behind… the Other Phil had been, but that was quickly cleared up as the spirit finally got them both to the kitchen. And suddenly Phil was being shocked for the second time in about a minute.

It was Dan. Not the Dan he remembered, but still Dan. This Dan had to have been in his early twenties at least. He was taller, a little taller than the other Phil, even, but not really enough to make a difference, his hair was shorter, he was even paler than he had been, and his facial features were more matured.

"Woah." Phil breathed, completely stunned as he watched this version of himself and Dan navigate around each other in the kitchen as if they had been doing it for years. This Phil was starting a pot of coffee as this Dan began to make them both bowls of cereal. Amicable chatter filled the air between the two as they weaved around each other.

"Woah indeed," The spirit's voice suddenly startled Phil out of his reverie. The specter was watching the other Dan and Phil just as closely as Phil himself was, though the ghost seemed less stunned and more… sad?

"Me and Dan are still…?"

"Yes. In this universe, you never broke contact with Dan. You welcomed the feeling that rose up in you on that taxi ride home, and he and you grew closer for it. You live together now, have for about five years, as a matter of fact," The spirit stated calmly, and as it turned back to gaze at the scene before them, it nudged Phil and gestured to the events that were unfolding, "These are just a few of the things you lost."

Phil turned back, gasping as he observed the happenings before him. Other Dan was making tea, but that wasn't what had Phil stunned. Other Phil had looped his arms around Other Dan's waist, and was tenderly laying kisses down his neck and over his shoulders as Other Dan prepared the drink. Other Dan's face told that this was completely normal; he even appearing to be completely relaxed, a soft smile on his face as the Other Phil lavished him with attention.

"We-We're?!" Phil choked out as he watched the scene with wide eyes.

"Correct again, Philip Lester. In this universe, due to the fact that you _didn't_ cut all ties with Dan, you had a second visit shortly after the first, and a third one after that. When he saw you for the third time, he confessed that he had been harboring feelings for you since you had met. Feelings which you returned. Imagine the pain he felt when you did what you did in your universe," The spirit replied, its tone undeniably bitter at the end.

"Three things you gave up that day were a flatmate, the best friend you ever could have had, and your soul mate. You gave up love because of a little paranoia. You broke Daniel's heart irreparably. He told you once that you were the first friend he had ever had. He wasn't lying," The ghost stated.

Phil felt tears well up in his eyes as he continued to watch Other Phil and Other Dan interact. He took in a shaky breath, "I… I didn't know that I-"

"You did." The spirit quickly cut him off, now sounding slightly angry, "Every fibre of your being was telling you that you had made a mistake and you _still_ did it. And his future wasn't the only one you took away from… Listen to what they're talking about."

Phil tuned into the conversation that Other Dan and Other Phil were having as they wandered back into the lounge.

"Did you finish up that chapter you said you were working on last night?" Other Dan asked Other Phil as they settled onto the couch and turned on some anime that Phil didn't know the name of, Other Dan quickly cuddling into Other Phil's side. Phil only had a moment to be confused about what Other Dan had said before Other Phil answered him.

"I did, actually!" Other Phil grinned, sounding overly-excited and chipper, and Phil silently wondered why he sounded like that.

Phil prepared to listen more, but the spirit began to speak to him, once again seeming to read his thoughts, "He sounds like that because he's _happy_."

"I am too, though… I don't sound like that."

"No you're not. You may pretend to be happy; you may even be able to fool yourself into believing you're happy, but without what these two have," and here the spirit gestured at Other Dan and Phil as they cuddled and discussed the anime they were watching, "You can never truly be happy. You missed out on true happiness the moment you hung up that phone call. You cheated yourself out of your own soul mate. And for what? To ease a slight feeling of unease? A feeling you couldn't even place a name to?" The spirit mocked.

"You don't understand!" Phil shouted, trying not to be unsettled by the way Other Dan and Other Phil didn't even bat an eye at his outburst.

"Don't I?" The apparition hissed.

Phil opened his mouth to argue, but it snapped shut as he realized that the ghost had been nothing but truthful so far, if not rather rude. Phil supposed that he deserved the rudeness, though, at least a little bit.

"Have you finished showing me all you needed to, then?" Phil asked, trying desperately to ignore the stinging that appeared in his eyes every time he looked at Other Dan and Other Phil.

"No, Philip, as a matter of fact we've only just begun," The spirit replied, taking Phil's hand again, "You had better settle in. We'll be here awhile."

* * *

Phil and the spirit ended up following Other Dan and Phil through their entire day. The day would've seemed mundane to anyone else, but Phil was watching everything that he could've had throughout the entire day. He watched as Other Dan and Other Phil got coffee together, shopped together, discussed things that Phil never even could've dreamed of. And the entire time it was so blatantly obvious just how much the two adored each other. They were both _happy_ , so _undeniably happy_.

Phil also had running commentary from his little phantom tour guide, who told him about everything that he had given up; things he couldn't get from listening to their conversations and watching them interact. They apparently had both a book and a tour coming up in October, they had made cameo appearances in Big Hero 6, a Disney movie that Phil had watched a few months earlier, they had interviewed Fall Out Boy on numerous occasions, been to Japan, hosted Big Weekend; the list went on and on. With each achievement, each unbelievable accomplishment, Phil felt himself becoming more and more upset. These two had accomplished so many things; just them against the world. Phil would never achieve any of those things, but that didn't even matter. The more he watched the two of them interact, the more he realized that he _missed_ Dan. _His_ Dan. He missed the stupid placenta jokes, the way that every conversation flowed so smoothly and every silence was comfortable, he missed Dan's high-pitched shrieking laugh that he remembered Dan hated but Phil used to secretly adore. He missed everything, including his chance.

As Phil and the spirit returned with Other Dan and Phil to their home that evening, Phil felt both physically and emotionally drained. He had lost everything, and it was his own fault.

"What now?" Phil mumbled dejectedly as he watched the two eat dinner together, cuddled up just like they had been earlier, watching what seemed to be their old videos on a laptop covered with stickers. Taking a trip down memory lane, apparently. Phil was hardly surprised when he heard the audio that he recognized to be from that video they had filmed together, but it still hurt like a thousand red-hot knives being stabbed into his chest all at once.

"Now we wait for them to go to bed. Then we go back to your universe." The spirit answered, its own tone immensely saddened for some reason as it watched the video that Phil could still remember deleting in perfect detail. This Dan and Phil had apparently decided to name it _phil is not on fire._

Phil didn't see the need to reply to that statement, so he continued to watch as the Dan and Phil from this universe giggled and joked around endlessly as they watched countless collab videos that the two of them had apparently made. By the time they ran out of videos it was four o'clock in the morning, and Other Dan was half asleep on top of Other Phil.

Phil followed behind Other Phil as he carried Other Dan bridal-style into what must've been their bedroom, Phil's own bedroom in his universe. Other Phil gently laid Other Dan on top of the duvet, not even bothering with their clothes or the blankets as he curled up behind Other Dan and nuzzled his neck. Other Phil's breathing evened out within minutes and when it did Phil turned to face the spirit, who was already holding out its hand expectantly.

Phil took its hand, wanting nothing more than to reverse that decision he had made back in 2009.

* * *

When Phil's vision cleared this time, he was back in his room in his flat. In his universe. He had never noticed it before his little adventure, but his room suddenly felt unbelievably empty. Cold. Void of life. He felt lonely, even with the spirit floating right next to him.

Phil tried to banish the sudden lump in his throat as he quietly asked, "What happens now?"

The spirit stared at him, "Now you deal with it. I'm only supposed to show you what you gave up. I exist to teach lessons. I don't exist to fix problems."

"Wait!" Phil cried, latching onto the ghost's arm as it began to dissipate, forcing it to fully appear again, "I can fix this, though! Where is Dan now? I can find him! I can fix things between us! It doesn't have to be too late!"

The ghost gazed at him for a long moment, before sighing. Slowly the spirit became more solid until Phil was able to distinguish its features. He let out a strangled scream as he stared horrified at the misty, glowing form of the spirit. He knew why its voice sounded so familiar now.

"D-Dan," Phil breathed.

The spirit, _Dan_ , stared at him sadly, nodding slowly.

"You… How can you be dead?!"

Dan sighed, glancing down at himself. He looked like Phil remembered, if not the slightest bit taller, though still shorter than Phil himself. He quietly mumbled his answer, "I… I killed myself, Phil."

Phil whimpered.

Dan glanced up in time to see a tear roll down Phil's cheek. He sniffled, looking back to the ground as he continued to speak, "Three years ago. In 2011. Some things happened… everything got really difficult all at once; my family was less than helpful and it all just became too much. I had nobody to lean on, nobody to cry my heart out to. I wanted to end it. So I did."

Phil reached out a shaking hand until his fingertips lightly rested against Dan's cheek.

"Dan." He breathed again, as if his name was some kind of huge secret that he couldn't even tell the empty air.

Phil was startled when Dan abruptly stepped back; shrinking away from Phil's touch as though it burned him.

"Don't 'Dan' me!" The spirit hissed, "Do you realize what you did to me?! You destroyed me! Everything that happened! Would it have killed you to pick up the damn phone?! I loved you! Hell, I still love you! But not this you, I don't love who you've become. You became bitter, even if you don't realize it. I love the you that you were, the one that you were supposed to turn out to be. We were supposed to be the one motherfucking constant in all of the universes in all of the worlds, yet you went and defied the fates and now I'm a ghost and you're alone! We're both unhappy! And you know what?! This experience hurt me a billion times more than it hurt you! Because guess what?! I just had to go to a universe where you and I love each other! Where my feelings weren't one-sided, unrequited fucking teenage daydreams! Where you and I are going to get married in a year and a half and that other me doesn't even know it yet, but he will in just a few days because other you has something fucking adorable planned and I want more than anything for that to be _me._ All I ever wanted was to at least be friends with you! And you couldn't even give me that, and then I die and find out that, oh! We're actually fucking in love in pretty much every universe except for this one! Why the fuck did I get the short end of the stick, huh?! Why did I get stuck with the Phil that didn't want anything to do with me?!"

Through Phil's blurred vision he saw the angry tears that were running down Dan's face. The guilt was crashing down onto him, and it felt like he had been punched in the gut.

"Dan-" He tried one more time, he just wanted to apologize, he wanted to try to fix what he knew was unfixable.

Dan cut him off again, angrily wiping the crystalline, glowing tears from his face, "I have to go. The elders are calling me back. I've said enough, apparently. Have a good evening, Philip Lester."

And with those final words, Dan vanished, and Phil was left alone in a cold, too-empty bedroom, wishing that he could go back and undo it all.


End file.
